A Journey in my Autistic Eyes.
I would like to begin by saying I am not your normal human. I don’t do things the common way. In this world void of human interaction due to facebook or twitter or any “social” network you will not find me. In reality if you found me you would hesitate to talk to me. I have a very special group of people who talk to me for who I am not for what I look like. I am might look funny or even weird to so called normal beings. You don’t think I can see through your fake laughs I do. You look down to me as if I am some kind of an alien. I might be down below but high above your mind. You have no time to look up in the sky as you are too busy flattering people. I don’t have to flatter people because you need to gain my trust. I promise you once you have my trust I will never let you down. My English is not fancy because it took me lot of pains for me to learn simple words. This is an article on me from your eyes. Self-proclaimed and embarrassing it may sound I would like to say the following is about me and how I observed people look at me. I like to say that not all people are like me are neither same nor all I say about how people see me are true. I write it as I see it. I speak for myself. Anyways you would wonder what is so special about me that I need to write so much. I AM AUTISITC.
People may wonder from the introduction wondering who this self indulging person is. Why should I read beyond this point? I understand your reaction I also feel the same when I have to read long articles I don’t understand. I still read it to disprove that I am dumb, idiot, and stupid if I don’t read or write or speak. I am a person of emotions not a scholar. People look up in the sky and see the clouds but what I see is freedom. Freedom from having a weight of my shoulders due to expectations. I look up a see white (sometimes black) puffy cotton candies. When you look down you see me and when I look down I pity myself being jailed in this world from the freedom of the white puffy candy. I crack a joke you laugh but you don’t have to crack a joke to make me laugh because I am always laughing. I am empty minded person like you people. I am stress free from life in the fast lane. I am cyclist in the left extreme (in India). You know why? Because I enjoy my ride. Even though my knees pain, ankles pain yet I do it for the ride but not for the end. I may not be well oiled machine like you all but I am a like a product bought in a bazaar. I may not be the best in what I do but I do to well of capability. Only thing you got to trust me but the problem is nobody does trust me because you think I am cheap.
As I said I laugh a lot. I have only one emotion at a time and not like others who have love outside but hatred inside. I can’t communicate like others. The one thing I like about not able to communicate is that I don’t have to lie. If I don’t like you, I would talk to you but if I trust you I would give you things I wouldn’t want to lose. I am moody individual who doesn’t know why I am like this. My teachers are my mentors. They see me in distress and they want to help me. You might think what this kid’s distress is going to be.
I hate loud sounds, bright lights, hate crowded places. I can never be left alone. I am a disappointment to my parents and a burden to my other family members. Neighbours, relatives and anyone we meet always pity with my parents about my condition. I don’t know how to feel or say to them that there is nothing to pity about. My parents love me for what I am but I see a slight disappointment in
father’s face of not being able to fulfil his dream and sadness in my mom’s face blaming her for me being born like this. I see a hard working teacher try to make learn basic things so that I don’t have to struggle in life and a pity in my failures. When I go in trains people look at me as if I am an alien. I am so ashamed that I need company to go to the rest room.
All I wanted in this world is to be free. I am having a hard time to find my freedom. All I wanted from this world is to be treated equally but I am treated like an outcast. All I wanted to do in this world is make a difference but I can make any difference because I am the difference. I would like to take this opportunity to ask forgiveness to my dad for not living up to his expectations. I am sorry mom for not being normal. Please forgive me teacher for all the time I have shown attitude. Sorry to all the people I have hit or bitten or scratched. It’s not that I hate you but I hate the things you might be wearing. If I had shown attitude towards you I am sorry for it’s not for the lack of respect but for my hatred of crowded places. I have never ever wanted to hurt anybody. I do not want you to treat me like a prince but don’t treat me like a pauper.